not a good day

Walking around Schlachtensee

I feel particularly down today. My bike got broken on my way back and this month I do not have enough money to get it fixed. Bummer... I am mad at couple of people, including quite close ones. I finally got the drive to start my thesis but no body is helping me out... I read many PhD advises yesterday, and one of them is "work in a network". I just have to stop whining and take the lead, make my professor help me. Establish reading groups which share the same interest. I was such a lucky Master student, my second adviser helped me all the time, he was always there motivating. They warned me about this in Germany. You know I am not taking any classes. Here you can start to write your thesis immediately after masters. That's OK, I have a subject and a proposal, but you are so alone...Come on, I NEED and adviser who would motivate me. The things are getting harder the more I postpone dealing with them. My German is not improving fast, and my adviser talks to me in German, which makes everything harder - I thought I would be excelled in German by now, what a goof optimist I am!- I really feel like feeling sorry for my self and cry and cry and cry. 

My sister also did not get better, and the doctor said her situation might remain the same for a long long time. Bummer. I mean today a couple of bugs bit me and I was itching, scratching going crazy and I remembered her... That is what she had been going through for almost a week now. My poor little sister. 

Moreover my back did not let me practice yoga. Today I could have tried, but instead after a tiring and hopeless day, I just got home and curled up next to our cat and slept for 3 hours. Of course I feel more depressed now.

Sorry about this dark post. I feel so dark and everything is getting darker. Maybe I just passed to the dark side. Ouww

Studying

Studying in the park near the Institute

Ugh, I am stumbling over my German text and checking emails and facebook every five minutes. Should just go to the park again and study there. 

Actually, I cannot decide if I should go the lake for a swim or go to the city to buy a drinking water filter. The tap water here although drinkable is so calcic. And I am scared of kidney stones. I even stop eating chocolate because of my fear. Can you believe it! But I definetely do not wanna go through that pain again, so will do whatever it takes to prevent it..

No kidney stones

Today I had my first visit to a German hospital. I had a sudden back pain which started yesterday evening and did not let me sleep the whole night and was still there in the morning. I passed kidney stones eight  months ago -I keep telling everyone it was two months ago, time flies man- and the pain was so similar. When I realized it could be a kidney stone, I burst into tears. The fear was indescribable. So I directly went to the hospital, after being treated very nicely and being checked for "everything" -they even gave me an EKG-.  It turns out that my spine has a slight lean to the right side because of the tension in my lower back....So now I only have one wish:

Please stress, leave my life.

still beautiful...

Via here

It's important, and good to remember that there are beautiful, hopeful and nice things in and around the world.  

Sometimes in life, we need to hibernate... And I believe I was hibernating for almost like a month, not touching life and always staying at the corner, watching it and not acting.  I miss being cheery me, or simply me..

PS. Today on my way back home I had to wear gloves again while riding my bike. Come on..

My new self made duvet cover

Couple of weeks ago I got old style sheets from Ostbahnof fleemarket and was thinking of turning them into a duvet cover.. The cover turned out be beaustiful and quite cozy.

It's been raining here for two days. I kinda like it. I do not feel obliged to feel good, which makes it easier to feel bad and not feeling bad about it. Just being dark and gloomy nowadays..

Summer

After spending a very cold spring in Berlin, I am jubilant about every aspect of summer/ spring in Izmir!

Lost

That's my mother, passing by the window for a walk, while I am "studying"

And that's her glasses :)

I thought it was hilarious to find my mother's glasses in a plate filled with parsleys when I went into the kitchen for a midnight snack.  She has an order of her own :)

Fahrrad

Dream bike via the shop adeline

Me want, me want this..The saddle, the color, the shape... it's perfection. Why do I have such an expensive taste?... Bummer!

On totally unrelated matter... The German language... I am so getting blushed  sometimes after realizing what I said to people...  But why do they have three different words for "to go" or why some words in German are almost like homonymous but refer to a totally different concept!. For example my questions or sentences sound  like this: To a bus driver: "Does this bus walk to the Dahlem station?" or  to a friend: "Tomorrow I will be walking to London from Berlin.", or to my professor: "We must educate the structure of the paper". My oh my... 

Making notebooks

My get well soon present from Mr. Designer :)

Kaan can make notebooks, books, magazines... A hand made universe we have around here! It's so cool. 

I could finally practice -albeit modified- the primary series, after a long break. I practiced but did not feel it for the last couple of days, did not even bother to try yesterday.... I had moon days, then became sick, then I hurt my back. My spine and back were hurting till 2 a.m. this morning, until I decided to take a pain killer. I feel much better today. And finally feeling the after effects of a good practice. 

Last week I noticed that I stopped breathing many times or rather was holding my breath. I do not know still what went wrong with me, but finally I am breathing again. Literally all my muscles can feel it. When you stop breathing the life does not flow through your body and of course many things go wrong. I think I was only taking breath that would be enough for baring a day... 

Got to go..Got to catch the sunny day in London...

Wishing you many deep, relax, rejuvenating breaths...

Undercover in Fig and Olive...4,5

Fig and Olive... Angel- London.. The best cheesecake ever! Yup, Undercover in London..

I was hiding…  Hiding from the world… When I feel depressed, I try not to make decisions, not to write publicly, not to make a big deal about it. It’s like being drunk. You cannot see anything clearly through it and you make a big deal of really tiny stuff.  It’s the same thing with being too happy in this sense. But anyway, the clouds are lifting ,quite very slowly… but they are lifting…

What about  the secrets of universe then? I just realized today that I will be contradicting with my conclusion if I actually conclude what I will be concluding. Yup..  Basically, I will still write it but, watch it, I will eventually be against theorizing... And how will I argue against it? By theorizing! Hilarious…

The Soup

Today at some point I felt so sick, I thought about calling a cab and going back home. I had fever for a while, then I ate lots of green and red stuff in the cafeteria and dozed off in chairs and finally was feeling a bit better. At least I got home.

I have been not taking good care of myself lately. In terms of food, I was eating horribly since I got to Berlin. I am not cooking much at home, and I pick always the least healtiest most saucy food in the Mensa, and for dinner I eat Yoghurt and salty sessame sticks. Of course I was gonna get sick what was I thinking?

I cooked an amazing soup today. Kaan's recipe.... He cooked it once when I had fever for the whole day and it actually helped. It's lentil soup with celeriac, cinnamon, ginger, carrots and with many spices. When I was cooking I turned the music on so my soul could also feel the healing... Really... Why have I been feeling so disconnected from myself lately? It better stop, my body is sending many many signals...

Not a very good Tuesday

I took this photo in Greenwich. And I feel like that today.... My soul's doors are closed when it is rainy ,cold and to any other thing that is apart from what is stated above. It's so cold here! And rainy and not pleasent. I usually like rainy cold weathers but I needed some sunny days...My joints are terribly aching. I keep having these from time to time for years hitherto, I guess I should have it checked at some point.

My computer crashed in the morning and I had to install everything again.. I did not loose much data, I am used to "crashing computers". But today was such a bad timing. Well these things do not have a good timing...

I need to study,.. I made it to the library but the 10 minutes bike ride felt like hours... Please my energy, come back and find me. Damn you moon days..

On a given Friday

Lunch in the garden

Tulips in our garden

On my way to the library

I could sleep my windows open, it was that warm yesterday! Then was woken up by a bee on my window, trying to get out. But the smell of magnolias and lindens were amazing. I sleep too little nowadays. But feeling not bad. Actually, I dozed off in the library yesterday for two hours! Oh boy, these comfy red chairs..

Soooo, there were some tips about hands-free bike riding... You need to take your weight off from the front wheel. I managed it yesterday night! It was a bit of an adrenolous ride :) But today no trying since I have this spring bag with me which makes the balance already weird even with the hands. 

Oh, I am such an expert of procrastination... But I started my paper yesterday night. Hope to add couple of more lines today. No going out for me tonight. But the parties start from noon tomorrow! 

My Doktorandenwagen! 

Here is the famous PhD car! I am considering to apply for cubicles as well. But they are in the main library. And although it is another pleasant one, I cannot give up this trendy, cozy, young Bibliothek just yet.

Happy weekend everybody!

On a given Thursday

When I was leaving my house yesterday I opened the mail box and found a lovely package from my lovely friend! She filled the package with spring colors. It made my day, and I put every color on me immediately! I actually needed them :)

Another spring thing for me or rather my new challenge is to ride my bike hands free! I try it at nights when I go back to my house from the library since the streets are empty. It's so hard! It's as if learning to ride a bike all over again. But I think I learned the latter faster since I was a bit braver or was used to falling more... I will google for insider tips for hands free bike riding. If you know some, please share. Shall I use my legs for the balance, or my abdominal muscles or what?..Ugh it's so hard. 

I woke up pretty early today, without an alarm clock although I went to bed quite late. It was great cos' I had the time to practice full primary series. I even had a cappuccino in this lovely street  before my German class started at 10 am. 

Undercover in the Library- 4

Undercover with the gift from a dear friend :) I love you!

Aaaah, I was so close to starting my paper, but I had to do 5 simultaneous things in one day, all related to academia. A very wise dear friend once told me that if you succeed in doing one thing in a foreign country you can be very happy that day.. So I managed to find Physics Library, barrow a book and use the copier machine with my copy-card. Wow! Yes, then I will not torture myself about not starting the paper.. In 5 minutes the library is closing... Let me see if I can finish this post..

So, what is Evidence Based Medicine (EBM)? As it is evident from it's name, it is based on scientific evidence where the best evidence is considered to be the meta-analysis of  randomized control trials (RCT).

Then what are RCTs? Being one of the experimental/ intervention studies, they are conducted with subjects/patients that meet certain criteria in order to decide an outcome of an intervention. If you wanna know more then read the italic part, if not just skip it ;) Subjects that are intervened are distributed randomly to two groups, one being control and another treatment group; and in a given time with an adequate number of subjects, outcomes are collected and metaanalysis is done by statisticians and researcher. The analyzed intervention is applied to treatment group and usually placebo used for the control group. One of the most important aspects of RCTs is that they try to eliminate bias by blinding. They might only use placebos for eliminating bias for the participants as well as might use double blinding by also not informing the researchers about which intervention given to which group. There are also triple and quadruple blindings where in addition, study investigators and statisticians respectively are blinded. 

Our doctors base their decisions mostly on meta-analysis of RCTs to prescribe us some drugs, to relieve our symptoms. They cannot tell us to do other things because they have to obey the rules of EBM. Do you ever remember going to a doctor with a cold infection and the doctor asking if you slept regularly for the last couple of days, or whether you are under stress due to your job/ school? Or if you have a troubling relationship with the significant other.. In general, they are not designated to find the cause of an illness, they are designated to relieve the symptoms. But is this curing? (Surgical removings put aside) Can all of us be treated with average approaches? Am I an individual with a history or an average person with an average height? Oh they do not care about this in EBM.. If you care you become "Alternative"!

Mechanical thinking govern our lives in every little bits and pieces...

So much about the EBM... How it will be connected to the time travel has to wait for another post.. This has already been a mechanical and a boring post :) And the beautiful song of "library closing" with the announce "Bitte beachten Sie .... :)" propagating right now..

Stay tuned for the secrets of the universe and click for the previous episodes: Episode 1, Episode 2 and Episode 3

Awesome weather in Berlin

View from our Balcony

My semi Aegean semi German breakfast :)

Ah the blue sky in Berlin...

Enjoying my breakfast on this particular Wednesday..

Looking at our garden, it's the one with the tree house

I thought about having my breakfast in the garden. It's quite warm here.. It took too much planning to have a picnic by myself, so instead I had a lovely one in our balcony... 

Listening to the Piano's soundtrack. I have to leave the house soon... Some errands to run... Will I be brilliant today and start my paper?  I was feeling so smart yesterday :) "More than one" coffee effect.. I think caffeine uses some extra reserved energy.. Oh also it's full moon. Head strong energy is in the air..

Undercover in the library - 4 will be coming soon... What's wrong with EBM? Are we all average people having average symptoms to average diseases?  

Just to remember

Sometimes it's hard to keep in mind... It's very hard to get to know oneself, then to accept it, then to pursue... Could identity be an illusion?

This one goes out to the one I love...  the small feet:
"The best way out is always through"
Robert Frost

Spring with the hail storm

My flatmate's kinder garden surprises

Today was SO cold. There was a hail storm. Eventhough when I was biking in relatively dry weather I had to stop and wear my wool gloves.Yes, I carry gloves... 

Today was just a better day. Which came with the acceptances of the facts in my life. Acceptance is not giving up but just acknowledging where you are at the moment... Acknowledging what's going on with you instead of constantly trying to change. It's all about adapting eventually...

I studied really good today... I love reading meta-subject things.. It's a good thing that I chose philosophy as a job.

Oh the photo! I was almost forgetting. My flatmate/ flat owner is a kinder garden teacher and these trolls are gifts for each child in the kinder garden. She made them herself! It is a forest kinder garden. Which means they play in the forest 9-1 everyday. No matter if it snows, if  it's -22, or if it's raining. It's such an amazing concept for me. So these trolls are their going away present, which keep the children company for the whole year along . Well children cannot see them the whole year. But since they are leaving, trolls make themselves visible and decide to join the children for the rest of their lives! I just love the story...

No stories today...

My scarf- She wore it by herself 

I am exhausted today... My body, my mind, my thoughts are all against "me". No story from the library today, as library is closed early, right after my class, and my things are still in the locker AGAIN... I need to come tomorrow early and get them... I have had a horrible headache for hours. I need to get adjusted here, I mean the academia in FU. I am so tired... 

Undercover in the Library - 2

Hiding between the books... reporting...

While volcano's ashes in the air and me having a mild congestion I will try to explain the secrets of the universe  just a bit further today...

Most of the mathematicians usually work as carpenters and regard their material as quite real and secure. They build structures and those structures turn out to be quite solid... But also there is meta-mathematics...Which means analyzing mathematics with the tools of mathematics... We will come back to that..

When quantifier logic was established by Frege, it was phenomenal. People went crazy over it! It was the code of the universe! Well not really... But they really thought they can deduct all the mathematics and language from the logical rules. They, after all thought, logical rules as the descriptive rules of thinking and it was the code right then and there. And mathematical tools got even stronger and practical... A second Pythagorean phase was at stake, fortunately Godel was not killed when he revealed the Incompletenes Theorem to the public...

1. What comes after this? Paradoxes?

2. Why do we generally work 8 hours a day?

3. Will I be ever able to fly to London again?

4. Is Artificial Intelligence possible?

5. Are numbers real things? Ideas? Thoughts?

They will be all linked... No worries.. Oh not the third one. I was just wondering!

Today's great news: I got the DAAD scholarship. Yay!