Heck I am Back

Yup, back to blogging.. Thanks so much, to those who sent me emails, told me personally and commented. It was so nice to hear that you like the photos, the blog, the ambiance. 

I can say that I probably had the hardest days in my life in these last couple of months. Not being able to keep up with my own deadlines, not being healthy enough to do some of the things I used to do, not trusting the universe, not being able to control, it was soooo difficult. I could not stop comparing, obsessing with perfectionism, feeling like a failure, and feeling heavier and heavier. But guess what, it's time to lighten up...  

Yup I am lightening up. Of course I wanna be a serious academic writer, and want to be respected etc. etc. But I also want my muscles relax and my heart light. 

I have to admit now, writing is PAINFUL. Academic writing is even more so. I admire to those who can do it with patience, coherence, elegance and beauty. Yup I am still working on my thesis. Boy I hated myself for not being able to finish it in February but that's how just life is sometimes right? You cannot push things so much. And that was one of the reasons I stopped writing... I just did not want to admit it anywhere that I could not finish it on my planned time. And so I stopped talking, writing, and being light.. That was more painful. 

I love writing, in any form,  whether academic or blogging or journalling, but as any advancement it is painful when you want to improve yourself. 

My thesis is hard, so hard. I am defending against something that most of the academics and philosophers of mathematics cling like a religion. I am proposing that another equally valid method to logic in mathematics is possible. And they look at me like, oh you girls :) or so I feel. With this tension in me, my inner critique is making it so hard to write. I keep hearing me "you are not good enough", " nobody will take you seriously", "your arguments are flawed", "you are going for shortcuts instead of explaining it in detail" and on and on and on, and after 5 hours or more writing, I feel exhausted!! I don't feel a bit satisfied because my inner critique says "you could have done better and that's what you have written, shame on you!". And I go to bed heart broken, hopeless, helpless. 

Is there a "the best" in the world for anything? Who decides that? In what sense something is better than what I have already done? Instead of considering the answers to these, I keep saying, "you are not good enough". And my heart and my body was about to turn to stone. But today, I decided to lighten up. And give my self the present first time in two years; a "well done".  :)

I was reading an NLP book to improve my writing, for not torturing my self and be good at things that I care. It's a great method. But there I read something that made me realize how little satisfaction I get from my successes. There it told:" imagine yourself giving a talk to 50 people and finishing it successfully.  How good you would feel." I did that 4 times in last 6 months, and I aced it according to the listeners, but how I felt? Not good enough! So I better should change my attitude right?

So here to the lightening up and some more "well done"s. 

Photos: Some good things happened in the last months too..Strolling around the Grunewald with the loveliest person in the world. Dogs running on the ice.. Our visit to the Tempelhof Airport. Lovely friend visiting and a sad good by to her in a Deutsche Bahn. Amazing concert in Komische Oper Berlin. Berlin Symphony played Edward Elgar -the unnamed composer of the Club to Death mix (Matrix Soundrack) It was so beautiful to hear it from such a crowded orchestra in a great atmosphere. Weekend-in studying..


  1. ozcum kendine karşı çok acımasızsın yaw. mükemmel tez tuzağına düşme, kendine acı biraz :) böyle düşünen insanlar burnout oluyor sonra, gördüm duydum.. kesinlikle değmez ve tezini bir başlangıç olarak düşün, bir son değil.ben şimdi tezime bakıyorum ve bir dolu şeyi şimdi böyle yazmazdım diyorum, ama o zamanki çiler öyle yazmış. şimdi yazdığım şeyi 5 yıl sonra gülünç bulurum belki, ama şimdiki çiler böyle yazıyor. zaten böyle olgunlaşıyoruz bence, ilk denemede mükemmeli yazsan hayatının sonrası biraz sıkıcı olmaz mıydı? kendine güvenmekle kendinden 'mükemmeli' beklemek arasında ince bir çizgi var, sadece kendine güven derim. daha iyi yapabilirdim deme, yaptığım işte bu! de. smyrna'dan çok sevgiler.

  2. evet Cilercim, ne guzel dedin, ben de diyorum mukemmel tuzagina dusme diye, ama ara ara kayiyor iste. Neyse artik dedigin gibi yaptigim bu ve simdilik bu kadar diyip ilerlemek gerekicek. coook cok sevgiler


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