Emotional Day

It feels as if my insides are filled with a dark smoke, I cannot take it out. I was just about to switch of my computer and go to sleep. Then I decided to read some blogs. I found such a nice post on a Turkish yoga blog that D writes. She was talking about "me"s as well. Such a suprise. I cried and cried when I was reading it.

She was talking about "Ahamkara", a defined self... When we are groving up this is defined by the outer factors and to be approved and loved we stick to it for our lives.

I am so sad. Still crying a bit. I don't know exactly why. Nothing really happened. But I feel humiliated, lonely, angry, sad, hopeful all at the same time. Before I started to cry, I wanted to blame people that closest to me. I wanted to hurt their feelings. That comes so naturally to me, I hardly respond to that instinct anymore but it's there. When I start to cry, it used to turn into a self pity. Now I feel a relief. As if this black smoke is pouring out. I want to blame the things I have to do, I want to find reasons to cry. But I stop... I also read this when I was just feeling it. Strange.. D writes (quoting her teacher): "The mind wants to find reasons for crying for pitying yourself, but it is just the eye of the heart is opening for a wider truth..."

The books that come to me nowadays, the readings accidentally I have come across. Such a coinsidence.... (If there is a coincidence at all) --

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